Are you a....

The Following was sent to me - I thought I'd share it:
=======================

Are you a Protestant, Pagan, New Ager, Progressive, Masonic, Pseudo-Catholic?
Are you attending a Protestant, Pagan, New Age, Progressive, Masonic, Pseudo-Catholic church?

You might be if...

if you attend Mass in a "worship space"

if you have a nun that is a Reiki Master

if you look forward to Lent because you like the sand and seashells in the holy water fonts

if you've ever dreamed of being a liturgical dancer

if your lifetime dream is to be a priest and you are female

if you have more than 20 EMHCs at your Mass

if you think God is your Mama

ii you pray to the Holy Spirit and ask for Her help

if your RCIA program leaves out the Mass

if you have a Social Justice Dept instead of a Pro-life Office

if you think the Friday abstinence has been abolished

if your priest or nuns ever quote "Sister" Joan Chittister or "Fr" Richard McBrien

if you match your underwear to your rainbow sash

if your priest has been on TV because he "speaks for The Church"

if your parish calls handing out the bulletins a "ministry"

if you have carpal tunnel from too much Orans position

if your parish offers a course in mandella making

if you've ever been late for a "Voice of the Faithful" meeting

if you're a member of "Call to Action"

if you've never watched EWTN

if you've ever attended an "ordination" in the middle of a river

if you have found your "sacred self"

if you think of Disney's "Let There Be Peace on Earth" as sacred music

if your Sunday best means a new pair of designer blue jeans

if you think Gregorian Chant is a couple of monks simging "Ohmm,...Ohmm,...Ohmm"

if you've ever let your birth control prescription expire

if you have a parish workshop that promises to "empower you in the spirit"

if you've ever bowed to the "Spirit of Four Directions"

if your parish has more than 18 "ministries"

if you can't hear the words of the Consecration over the sound of Hot Wheels

if you have never prayed to a Saint

if you saw a woman with a veil and wondered if she was Amish

if for you, the highlight of the Mass is when you get to sing a Haugen and Haas tune

if you've never gone to Adoration

if you saw someone with his/her head down in prayer and wondered if they were sick

if you think Roger Mahony would make a good pope

if you think Call to Action should replace the College of Cardinals

if you help the priest "lift up" your heart to the Lord

if you refer to cleaning the sacred vessels as "doin' the dishes"

if you "take" Holy Communion

if you have a banner hanging from your church's podium

if your confessional doubles as a broom closet

if you've ever "found God" during centering prayer

if you attend a some other kind of "worship service" when you miss Mass

if you can't think of any sins you commited since you went to Confession a year ago

if the tabernacle in your church has a revolving door and an "Everyone Welcome" sign

if you can chew gum and receive Holy Communion at the same time

if speaking in tongues makes you feel "special"

if the homilies you hear are given by everyone BUT the priest

if your priest tries to consecrate a sheetcake

if the Mass you attend has more people on the altar than in the pews

if you wore a Halloween costume to Mass and nobody noticed

if you have ever been part of the crowd gathered around the Altar during the Consecration

if you call your priest by his first name

if before your Mass it sounds like a noisy theater before the curtain goes up

if your baptismal "font" can seat eight

if yours is a "community" rather than a church

if you've never prayed the Rosary or worn a scapular

if your church has a "mission statement"

if you check with the USCCB before you pick a movie to go see

if your kids don't know Who is in the Tabernacle

if your church has a "Coffee and Doughnuts Ministry"

if your "pastoral" council voted "Yes" for a Stephen Ministry but "No" for the Rosary before Mass

if your priest uses no altar cloth during Mass

if you can't pray without holding another person's hand

if you've ever worn a t-shirt, sweatshirt or shorts to Mass

if you think "sisters" should look like misters

if you pray you'll be a better person in your next life

if your church does not give Mass envelopes to the children

if you have let your child eat breakfast during Mass

if your head nun thinks she is a "leader of The Church"

if you have ever walked the wicca labyrinth

if your church bulletin doesn't have room for Mass and Confession times but lists the home phone of the organist

if your parish has a workshop with enneagrams

if your Prayers of the Faithful included "for women priests"

if you have never prayed for the end to abortion

if your CCD classroom reading includes "The Cosmic Christ"

if you use your Catechism for a doorstop

if you've ever been an abortion clinic escort

And if you took offense over more than any two on the list, maybe someone needs to throw Holy Water on you.

St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle....
====End of email ====================

Feel free to post your comments or tirades - I will not take offense.

Thanks to Patte for the email..