Sunday, January 14, 2007

Are you a....

The Following was sent to me - I thought I'd share it:
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Are you a Protestant, Pagan, New Ager, Progressive, Masonic, Pseudo-Catholic?
Are you attending a Protestant, Pagan, New Age, Progressive, Masonic, Pseudo-Catholic church?

You might be if...

  • if you attend Mass in a "worship space"

  • if you have a nun that is a Reiki Master

  • if you look forward to Lent because you like the sand and seashells in the holy water fonts

  • if you've ever dreamed of being a liturgical dancer

  • if your lifetime dream is to be a priest and you are female

  • if you have more than 20 EMHCs at your Mass

  • if you think God is your Mama

  • ii you pray to the Holy Spirit and ask for Her help

  • if your RCIA program leaves out the Mass

  • if you have a Social Justice Dept instead of a Pro-life Office

  • if you think the Friday abstinence has been abolished

  • if your priest or nuns ever quote "Sister" Joan Chittister or "Fr" Richard McBrien

  • if you match your underwear to your rainbow sash

  • if your priest has been on TV because he "speaks for The Church"

  • if your parish calls handing out the bulletins a "ministry"

  • if you have carpal tunnel from too much Orans position

  • if your parish offers a course in mandella making

  • if you've ever been late for a "Voice of the Faithful" meeting

  • if you're a member of "Call to Action"

  • if you've never watched EWTN

  • if you've ever attended an "ordination" in the middle of a river

  • if you have found your "sacred self"

  • if you think of Disney's "Let There Be Peace on Earth" as sacred music

  • if your Sunday best means a new pair of designer blue jeans

  • if you think Gregorian Chant is a couple of monks simging "Ohmm,...Ohmm,...Ohmm"

  • if you've ever let your birth control prescription expire

  • if you have a parish workshop that promises to "empower you in the spirit"

  • if you've ever bowed to the "Spirit of Four Directions"

  • if your parish has more than 18 "ministries"

  • if you can't hear the words of the Consecration over the sound of Hot Wheels

  • if you have never prayed to a Saint

  • if you saw a woman with a veil and wondered if she was Amish

  • if for you, the highlight of the Mass is when you get to sing a Haugen and Haas tune

  • if you've never gone to Adoration

  • if you saw someone with his/her head down in prayer and wondered if they were sick

  • if you think Roger Mahony would make a good pope

  • if you think Call to Action should replace the College of Cardinals

  • if you help the priest "lift up" your heart to the Lord

  • if you refer to cleaning the sacred vessels as "doin' the dishes"

  • if you "take" Holy Communion

  • if you have a banner hanging from your church's podium

  • if your confessional doubles as a broom closet

  • if you've ever "found God" during centering prayer

  • if you attend a some other kind of "worship service" when you miss Mass

  • if you can't think of any sins you commited since you went to Confession a year ago

  • if the tabernacle in your church has a revolving door and an "Everyone Welcome" sign

  • if you can chew gum and receive Holy Communion at the same time

  • if speaking in tongues makes you feel "special"

  • if the homilies you hear are given by everyone BUT the priest

  • if your priest tries to consecrate a sheetcake

  • if the Mass you attend has more people on the altar than in the pews

  • if you wore a Halloween costume to Mass and nobody noticed

  • if you have ever been part of the crowd gathered around the Altar during the Consecration

  • if you call your priest by his first name

  • if before your Mass it sounds like a noisy theater before the curtain goes up

  • if your baptismal "font" can seat eight

  • if yours is a "community" rather than a church

  • if you've never prayed the Rosary or worn a scapular

  • if your church has a "mission statement"

  • if you check with the USCCB before you pick a movie to go see

  • if your kids don't know Who is in the Tabernacle

  • if your church has a "Coffee and Doughnuts Ministry"

  • if your "pastoral" council voted "Yes" for a Stephen Ministry but "No" for the Rosary before Mass

  • if your priest uses no altar cloth during Mass

  • if you can't pray without holding another person's hand

  • if you've ever worn a t-shirt, sweatshirt or shorts to Mass

  • if you think "sisters" should look like misters

  • if you pray you'll be a better person in your next life

  • if your church does not give Mass envelopes to the children

  • if you have let your child eat breakfast during Mass

  • if your head nun thinks she is a "leader of The Church"

  • if you have ever walked the wicca labyrinth

  • if your church bulletin doesn't have room for Mass and Confession times but lists the home phone of the organist

  • if your parish has a workshop with enneagrams

  • if your Prayers of the Faithful included "for women priests"

  • if you have never prayed for the end to abortion

  • if your CCD classroom reading includes "The Cosmic Christ"

  • if you use your Catechism for a doorstop

  • if you've ever been an abortion clinic escort

  • And if you took offense over more than any two on the list, maybe someone needs to throw Holy Water on you.

    St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle....
    ====End of email ====================

    Feel free to post your comments or tirades - I will not take offense.

    Thanks to Patte for the email..

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